Today, while laying low in Texas, I was watching the morning news and caught a segment about a mom who started her one-woman-I-am-crazy campaign against Santa. (insert gasp and gulp of wine that is needed to keep typing about something so idiotic). Ok, so this woman in Canada has rewritten the the story about "the night before Christmas." She felt Santa was setting a bad example with his pipe. WTF... I hate to beat up on other mothers because we are all trying so damn hard to win whatever maternal contest we think we have entered and are hell bent to not screw it up and get disqualified. It's hard to even wage a war against this issue because before I finish this rant, I'm sure I'm going to have to defend the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, too.

What the hell is wrong with people??? Seriously. This "perfect parenting" thing has gone too far. Who are you trying to impress, please, or save? Yourself? It's like we're in a race to create the perfect human child that will live in their personal utopia with unicorns and rainbows. Wake up, dammit.

I don't smoke, have never had a desire to smoke, and trust me, nobody loves Santa more than me. I've watched every movie he's ever done, read every book ever written about him, and I definitely don't eat cookies and milk every night or have ever tried to surprise anyone by going down the chimney. None of this has actually crossed my mind. This isn't due to diligent parents who shielded me from Santa's bad habits, it's called common-f'ing-sense. I eventually grew up past 10 or 12 and realized ON MY OWN that jolly old St. Nick was just a cool, made up dude that made Christmas time fun. You don't hear about people protecting their children from the idea that the Easter Bunny shits chocolate eggs or that a tooth "fairy" comes in to your house at night and takes your tooth and drops of some cash... oh wait, I actually do know of one downer mom that informed her young daughter that the tooth fairy wasn't real. Of course you shouldn't let your daughter actually be a child and enjoy the mysterious suspense that comes with all that make believe. That's just too.... well, ummm, childish. Next thing you know, Santa is going to be driving a Prius because his sleigh isn't "environmentally conscious" enough, he's going to be doing yoga so as to not promote the fact that he's FAT, and he's probably going to turn into a woman (because our society is so obsessed with being "politically correct", Mrs. Claus just ain't cutting it for the feminists) and probably a vegan too before long... gluten free cookies and unsweetened almond milk anyone???

I disagree with all of this and can't EVER get behind the idea of messing with something so historically sweet and memorable. Let's focus on something WAY more important like teen pregnancy, worldwide hunger, or gangs. Even the thought of rewriting my childhood magic seems as absurd as people burning books. If I remember correctly from my history class, we all felt really shitty about that after the fact. Here's to Santa and his pipe!!